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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 22, 2013 11:30pm-12:00am PST

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>> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> i think everyone will agree it's been a wonderful inaugural ceremony, a delicious lunch, but it's now time to head to the next happy stop, the captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing]
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: boom! thank you so much. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report begun everybody. thank you for joining us. [crowd chanting stephen] what are you going to do with these people? good for you. sit down, everybody. [cheers and applause] folks -- folks -- we've got a great show tonight. please, we've got to get to it. [cheers and applause] i understand the excitement because we've got a great show for you tonight. my guest is dustin hoffman, director of the new movie "quintet" about 4 retired opera stars, and in his film debut their friend buddy, who accompanies them on the spoons. [ laughter ]
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but first, i'm still reeling from yesterday's inauguration disaster. [ laughter ] first off, where was security? the secret service is supposed to protect the president and first lady, but in the middle of a kiss, they were viciously photobombed. [ laughter ] enjoy -- [ laughter ] enjoy gitmo, malia. [ laughter ] and the more i think about, the less impressed i am with obama's speech. and it's not just me. it's everyone on fox news. [ laughter ] >> the president made the case for big government. >> this speech today was an ode to big government. it was a hymn to big government. at his heart, i think president obama is a socialist. >> stephen: yes, at his heart he is a socialist. ever notice how it shares the blood with all the other organs?
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[ laughter ] well sorry, obama, your class warfare isn't going to work. fox news contributor and shamwow pitchman stuart varney knows the reason why. [ laughter ] >> rich people, powerful people, in america today, are reviled. they're dismissed as fat cats who don't pay their fair share. we just hate 'em-- rich people are evil. yet, along comes this show "downton abbey"-- rich people prominently featured and they're generous; they're nice people; they create jobs, for heaven's sake; they're classy; they've got style and we love 'em. that show is wildly popular, which poses a threat to the left, doesn't it? >> stephen: yes, it does. >> stephen: yes, the popularity of "downton abbey" proves that america loves rich guys. the same way the popularity of "breaking bad" proves america loves meth dealers. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause]
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god, it would be so great to work for a rich aristocrat, like the fictional lord grantham. just ask the fictional newsman steve doocy. >> here's the thing-- the entire town loves the rich guy who lives in the abbey because he provides the jobs. he looks after everybody. he provides free medical care for everybody. without him-- and spoiler alert, it looked like two weeks ago, he was going to lose the joint-- without him the place would go belly up. >> stephen: yes, he looks after everybody. yes, everything depends on lord grantham. he pays for the medical clinic in town and two weeks ago, he almost lost everything because he invested poorly in the canadian railroad. and i believe that's how our society should function. one rich guy fails, nobody gets healthcare. [ laughter ]
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the point is his speech was a swing and a miss not just for what he did say but for what he did not say. >> it was a very bizarre, disordered priority of what our national interests were. where was the debt? where was the deficit? where was the unemployment? where was the issue poverty in america, which has increased under his watch? where's the hopelessness? >> stephen: yeah, where was the hopelessness? [ laughter ] that's what the american public wants! [ laughter ] i mean, who could forget fdr's famous inaugrual when he proclaimed: "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and also a second depression, rampant starvation, and my gut's telling me europe's a tinderbox. ah, what's the point? we're all doomed! i can't walk! i can't walk!" [ laughter ] [cheers and applause]
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anyway, what are you going to do? we're looking at four more years of this guy, and thanks to obamacare, we might live to see it. [ laughter ] where did we go wrong? the republicans had everything going for them: a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for the american voter: less than half of you are parasites. [ laughter ] and still -- still we lost. [ laughter ] and with america's changing demographics, it only looks bleaker for republicans in the future, unless science can find a way for latino women to give birth to old white men. [ laughter ] where is the funding, koch brothers?! get on it! 'cause it's bad. it's bad, folks. in 2012 the gop lost the presidency, lost the senate, and lost the vote count in the house of representatives by a combined 1.1 million votes.
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republicans haven't gotten an ass-paddling like that since dc shut down madame kink's rump dungeon. [ laughter ] if it's wednesday, ask for the trickle-down. [ laughter ] and it's getting so bad, that to win the presidency next time, republicans might have to change their messaging or their policies or the constituencies they serve. thankfully, there's a better answer and that brings us to tonight's word. [cheers and applause] win, lose, or redraw. now, conservatives, don't weld your bunker door shut just yet. because as bad as things look, there is one place republicans did hold on to power. >> republicans continue to hold a majority in the house.
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>> stephen: yes, even though they lost the combined vote, the gop kept control of the house by a 33-seat margin. and they did it without watering down the republican party platform. [ laughter ] how did the republican dozen it? -- did the republicans do it? with a little thing called "gerrymandering." [ laughter ] see, in 2010, republican state legislatures across the nation redrew congressional districts to make them a lock for the gop-- and in some cases, just to send democrats a message. [ laughter ] because that's the beauty of gerrymandering: instead of voters getting to pick their leaders, leaders get to pick their voters. [ laughter ] and i say why not? we should trust our leaders.
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after all, we voted for them. [ laughter ] well, now that the gop has its gerrymander game down, they're ready to take it to the next level. republican legislators in the key swing states of michigan, wisconsin, pennsylvania and virginia are lining up behind. "proposals that would allocate presidential electoral college votes by congressional district." as a supporter of this idea, pennsylvania state senator dominic pileggi argues, the current "winner-take-all system is inherently unfair because the losing party gets no credit in the electoral count." [ laughter ] yeah, the losing party never gets to pick the president. [ laughter ] this legislation just allows republicans to level the playing field. [ laughter ] here is the great part: 'cuz if you applied this plan to the 2012 election, even though five million more people voted for democrat, the republican
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would have won the presidency by 22 electoral votes. it's win, win! [ laughter ] it's a cinderella story! it's like rocky! [ laughter ] i will admit freely that it's not exactly majority rule, but as much as i love the american people, sometimes the majority just don't know what's good for them. [ laughter ] so i say -- [ laughter ] so do it, republicans, over the next four years, our society's values will continue to evolve along with its demographics, so you must listen to these voters amake sn make s[cheers and appl]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. [cheers and applause] of course, if you are watching the news like i am, the big story that everybody is talking about tonight: barack obama's power grab at the national park service. [ laughter ] he wants to cut the number of free entrance days from 17 to 11 this summer. once again boo boo barack is trying to put a government bureaucrat between -- yes?
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>> excuse me, stephen-- >> stephen: dustin hoffman, everybody! >> stephen: i'm doing the thing right now. >> stephen, we need to talk. >> stephen: well, of course, you're my guest tonight. dusty and i -- can i call you dusty? >> yeah. dusty and i had a great time making his new movie "quintet" in which i play the pivotal role of buddy, the spoons player. >> yeah, about the movie, we need to talk. >> yes! let's talk sequel. picture this: "octet", starring all the original cast, plus me in fat suits for three more roles. it will be like "the klumps" meets "twilight." fat, african american vampires. [ laughter ] >> actually, we made some changes in editing, and there's
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no easy way to say this, but stephen, i'm afraid i had to cut you from the movie. [audience reacts] >> stephen: what? >> i'm really sorry, stephen, this is how the business works. i was completely cut out of "rain man." >> stephen: you won an oscar for "rain man." >> yes, for playing raymond. but originally, i was supposed to play both parts. they added tom cruise in post. [ laughter ] >> stephen: but dustin-tin, can i call you tintin? >> okay. [ laughter ] >> stephen: tinny, you can't cut out the fifth character and still call it "quintet." >> you're right. that's why we changed the name. >> stephen: to what? >> "quartet."
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>> stephen: "quartet?" that's a stupid name for a movie! >> it's not a stupid name. it's not a stupid name spoons is a stupid character choice! >> stephen: you leave spoons out of this. i killed in that movie. jimmy, run the clip. >> all that glory. >> didn't i say she still looks like a young girl? >> reggie, don't i get a kiss. >> yeah, kiss her reg. kiss professor mcgoneagal. i'll play the spoons! i saved that scene. use your eyes. >> you ruined that seafnl you ruined every scene you were in the fact is, stephen, you're not a good actor. [audience reacts]
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>> stephen: so what are you saying? >> that you're not a good actor. >> stephen: okay. i see. i see. [ laughter ] >> stephen, what are you doing? >> stephen: i'm trying to cry on cue, so you'll put me back in your stupid movie. >> stephen, the movie's already in theaters. >> stephen just give me a minute! god, i wish i had a dead pet. >> stephen, it's not going to work! you're cut from the movie, all right? >> stephen: fine you're cut from the show. >> you can't cut me. the show's already started. where are you going to get a replacement interview now? >> stephen: you hollywood directors are a dpiem a dozen. anyone here a director? >> i am
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>> stephen: it's kathryn bigelow, oscar-winning director of "the hurt locker!" got any projects you are looking to plug right now? >> "zero dark thirty." >> good enough! bigelow, you're in! hoffman, you're out! >> fine! i'll just go watch "quartet," starring maggie smith, billy connelly, tom courtenay, pauline collins and not stephen colbert. [cheers and applause] >> bye, dusty! bye, dusty! [cheers and applause] i call him dusty because we're friends. when we return, i sit down with director of "zero dark thirty," kathryn bigelow. [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. !4
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an academy award winning director here to discuss her controversial film "zero dark thirty." my idea for a sequel: "weekend at osama's." please welcome kathryn bigelow. [cheers and applause]
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thank you so much. good to see you again. >> thank you. >> stephen: thanks for coming. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: last time i saw you, i don't think you'd won the oscar for the hurt locker. >> i don't think i had. >> stephen: that's called the colbert bump. >> i want to apologize for not coming on the show when you wanted me. >> stephen: you bagged on me baby doll. >> i was spooked by the senate investigation. so i really apologize but i want to thank you for championing this movie. >> stephen: you got it. you can't soften up the beast that much. payback is a biatch. here we go. >> oh, no! >> stephen: your film "zero dark thirty" it's a fantastic film. if you haven't seen it go, see the film. it stirred up the bee's nest because the first 35 minutes it shows graphically and in wrenching detail, the enhanced
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interrogation techniques commonly known as torture. all right? [ laughter ] why do you think this is in such a hot -- this has been such a hot button issue? >> well, first of all. >> stephen: why do you think it's caused such trouble. >> torture is reprehensible. it's been a very controversial issue. debated since the early part of 2000 and it's going to be continue to be debated. i would call this movie kind of first draft of history or maybe the first rough cut of history. >> stephen: without a doubt. americans don't read books. [ laughter ] americans don't read newspapers. americans go to the movies and this depiction of the torture, the investigation, the catching of bin lad season going to be our record just as surely as jim
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kabesil died for our sins. this is how we'll see it. >> this is ten years -- it's accurate the way a movie can be accurate. it's ten years into two hours. there's good old fashioned boots on the ground. the key piece of information that enabled us to find the compound in abada bad was in the files all along since 2001. it's many, many different facets that contributed to finding this compound. >> stephen: you've been attacked by liberals and the ant-enhanced interrogation crowd out there. all right? one of things i love about your movie is it has the liberals cojones in a door hinge. you had to include scenes of torture in the movie. you had to, it happened, right? >> it happened. >> stephen: if you didn't
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include it? >> it would have been white washing history. >> stephen: and the liberals would have screamed bloody murder as if you were torturing them. >> it was part of the history. we wanted to tell the story respectfully and honestly. since it's part of the history we had to show a few sequences of enhanced interrogation but there's many techniques that led to the compound in abada bad. >> stephen: there's talk you'll be called to testify billion congress? >> i don't think one is ever ready for something like that i stand by the movie. i believe in the film. i'm proud of the film. i wouldn't change anything in the movism it's based on an honest telling of the story as we know it. >> stephen: you've done two films about our wars, "hurt locker" and "zero dark thirty." have you ever included a special thanks to george w. bush?
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[cheers and applause] [ laughter ] >> um, you know -- it's a very good point. >> stephen: be pleat. >> it's a good -- be polite. >> it's a good point. the credit in this movie goes to the men and women in the intelligence community who dedicated their lives for our safety. to to me is what i think is -- [cheers and applause] >> stephen: what is next any thing a little less controversial like gun control, something like that? you are going to play a safe -- play it safe next time? >> i don't know if i'm capable of doing that anyway. >> stephen: if you get called up before congress. >> you'll come visit. >> stephen: i'm never going near that building again but have a good time. they are lovely people up there kathryn, thank you so much. best of luck. the film is "zero dirk
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